If you ever watched Nickelodeon or Disney Channel back when cable TV wasn't just for your grandparents who refuse to get a Fire Stick, you probably remember when commercials were different – and by different, I mean psychologically scarring.
I'm being a teensy bit dramatic – or maybe my inner child refuses to let go of the multiple times I hid under the covers because I thought that Dish Network was coming for me and my NickToons, but commercial breaks on Nickelodeon and Disney Channel were the best of times, and the worst of times. My allowance and dreams of meeting Taylor Lautner were swindled by quite a few of these commercials, and I know I'm not alone.
Betty Crocker Bake N Fill (2004)
I have no idea if Ms. Betty Crocker paid Nickelodeon her entire savings to play this commercial in the mid-2000s, but it was absolutely everywhere. Every commercial break, every time slot -- you could NOT get rid of Miss Betty Crocker and her Bake N Fill! And I know that we all have bills to pay, politicians to donate and lobby to, parents to annoy, but who was actually dropping $19.95 plus shipping and handling on Al Gore's internet for this? For some reason, this commercial popped up vividly in my nightmares. The soundtrack, "Sun Roof Rhythm" (1984), had this whimsical ballroom, no-thoughts-head-empty elevator music feel that was basically a generic elevator music track. The fuzzy, dream-like quality of the whole thing didn't help either -- did Betty Crocker secretly invent 'dreamcore'? Is she camp? Maybe she... ate? (Get it, cause like cakes.)
Funnily enough, despite being mildly spooked, I still begged my mom to buy it. When she said no, I was flabbergasted. How could anyone say no a basketball cake? Jello-filled goodness? Even Baked Alaska?! While I never got to mix and bake the perfect Baked Alaska cake, I did manage to buy another as-seen-on-tv gimmick that was only half as magical as Ms. Betty.
DirecTV vs. Nickelodeon vs. Children (ongoing)
DirecTV and I still are on unfriendly terms as of February 2025, with no talks of reconciliation. Even though I didn't have DirecTV back in the mid-2000s, their apocalyptic battle with Nickelodeon played out in commercials on Optimum cable (a Long Island-based television provider), which made me even more confused as a kid. For years, DirecTV and Nickelodeon had what we know as carriage disputes, meaning both companies couldn't agree on how many Benjamins the provider should pay to show the broadcaster's shows (think a pimp minus all the bad stuff). In response, Nickelodeon would broadcast these ominous commercials begging children -- who could barely spell SpongeBob -- to contact DirecTV and save Cheddar Bob and iCarly so they could keep making us live, laugh, and ship Creddie.
The worst of these commercials? They made me feel like I was being recruited for a war I didn't even know how to fight - I mean, I didn't even understand why we were sending care packages to Iraq War soldiers in the first grade! So, I hid under my covers in hopes that it would all go away.
Apparently, DirecTV is (still) in its Drake era because in September 2024, they dropped ESPN, ABC, and Disney after another dispute. Booo, tomatoes. Tomatoes. THROW TOMATOES.
Do You Want to Be on iCarly?" (2007 or 2008)
Long before kids watched Kai Cenat en masse, a large portion of us dreamed of having a guest starring role on Hannah Montana or iCarly. Surely enough, adults took advantage of our childhood wonder and search for fame. "Do You Want To Be a Kid Star?" commercials were common during primetime commercial breaks, where some "talent" agency would be like, "Hey YOU! Do you want to be on your favorite shows like iCarly, Drake and Josh, and Ned's Declassified? Well, there are auditions happening near YOU!" And of course my little star-struck self was like 'YES, THIS IS MY MOMENT'.
My mother, either clueless or a good sport, gave into my week-long pleads of attending one of these auditions in New York City, and oh boy, I was really feeling myself, too. We managed to book a slot for 7:30 PM and shot a few headshots using a digital Kodak camera. Hair was flowing, bobbles were bobbling, and I had a cute little denim dress to match. Surely, Taylor Lautner would want seven-year-old me. Naive little me showed up to the "audition" with about 200 other kids, waiting in a long line for about an hour in the Hilton hotel lobby before being brought back to audition with ten other kids before some company "executive." The executive gave us each a copy of a few scripts while we gave them our headshots, and the only one that I can remember is a mock script of a Fruit Loops commercial, about thirty seconds long. We lined up to wait for our turn, talking about how badly we wanted to meet iCarly.
I found a similar example from the 90s. Nick did have legit casting calls
at Nickeledeon Studios
After about twenty minutes, my time to steal the spotlight came. I walked over to the brightly lit photo shoot backdrop, barely able to see the script, and started reading each of them before being asked to stop because I was "a natural."
Well, weeks went by and I wondered what had happened regarding my natural acting abilities. Surely, Nickelodeon should have called by now, right? RIGHT? So, I asked my mom if I got into the talent agency program and she broke the news to me as bluntly as she could: it was a scam. Turns out, the company wanted you to pay $2500 for modeling and acting classes upfront, and only then would you become a worldwide celebrity. Super shocked, I was pretty sullen for the rest of the day. At least I got a good headshot out of it, though.
Searching on the web, I could not locate a copy of the original commercial. It was produced either in 2007 or 2008, and broadcasted in either 2007 and at least until late-2009. Considering it as lost media, I would love to find this commercial again, but it's been almost twenty years. Some details include a female cartoon character mascot made with Flash, purple imagery, and shows like iCarly and Drake and Josh mentioned as examples.
Lipozene (2008 - present)
Lipozen was one the original Ozempic-lite weight loss drugs, but instead of an annoyingly catchy jingle, we got creepy windchime tones. I can't remember if this aired on Nickelodeon or Cartoon Network, but I definitely remember seeing it on Comedy Central while watching South Park late at night. Being almost 10pm -- which for little me, felt like 3am -- hearing this commercial pop up in the dark with the uncanny cult executive lady and weird body fat diagram made me change the channel faster than a barefoot jackrabbit on a hot greasy griddle in the middle of August.
Floam (2006)
What's squishy? And smelly? And really doesn't work? FLOAM! Yet another as-seen-on-tv product, but this time, I actually bought it! The Floam commercial used to be on nearly every commercial break on Nickelodeon, and all of that marketing paid off because I bought the pink, purple, green, and blue bundle of Floam through the phone. The results? Not only did it smell like rubber cement, but it also did not work. It stuck onto basic plastic surfaces for about twenty minutes before it hardened and flaked off. I tried decorating one of my plastic microphones to no success and quickly buried it in my casket of broken dreams, along with my hopes of making a Floam-based Bratz castle. Kids buy the darnedest things...
Honorable Mention
